The only thing scarier than Steven Seagal and Sheriff Joe Arpaio sharing each other’s handcuffs is watching both desperados mount the same tank. Yes, boys and girls, that’s right. The tour de force that recently rolled down a West Phoenix calle (“street,” for unilinguists) confirms that the end of humanity is upon us. Residents stood in horror as SWAT members in full gear, armored vehicles, including a tank, and a bomb robot, blew out windows in an all out assault of —— a man suspected of running a cockfighting ring.
Holy Hell, Batman! And then what happened? The tank smashed down the wall of homeowner Jesus Llovera, releasing approximately 115 chickens in a glorious display of bravery and balls. Free at last, free at last!
To the Duo’s dismay, however, Jesus was not armed to the teeth, as apparently expected. Rather than encountering Pancho Villa and living out his very own Wild Wild West Fantasy, ending in a gun battle that Wyatt Earp would admire, Sheriff Joe arrested Llovera who was home alone. Lives were nevertheless lost. Indeed, each chicken was euthanized on the spot. (note: Llovera is being charged with animal cruelty). But who cares? I am sure nobody saw. It’s not like the media was tipped off beforehand.
On the bright side, the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office was executing a search warrant. Some would argue that obtaining probable cause before taking action and restricting rights is opposite the Sheriff’s modus operandi, if you were wondering. The Sheriff’s office even stated that they had reasons to believe Llovera might be armed, despite the fact that he has no history of owning weapons. When inquired, Sgt. Jesse Spurgin responded, “we’re going to err on the side of caution. We’re going to make sure that we have the appropriate amount of force in case we do run into anything like that.” Well played, Sergeant. Well played.
This made for TV movie show occurs just weeks after the Sheriff’s Department entered into a contract with Seagal for his latest, soon-to-fail escapade, Lawman. Taxpayers have yet to see the end of extremely costly and overly destructive police action that involves the Seagal-Arpaio courtship. In fact, the deal provides Seagal carte blanche to adventure ambiguously with the Sheriff at any time.
Improper motives? I think not.